Written by 350CO Intern Sarah Giron

Happy April Fools Day! Here is some light satire to brighten your day. 

The mini wars began millions of years ago when inorganic matter started to collide in the depths of the mysterious, dark, and desolate space.

These compounds thought they were all alone, but they kept running into these other elements. They really didn’t like their personal space being intruded upon, so they decided to try to take each other out, fighting for who was strongest and most powerful. 

Other rocks found out and came to the defense of the smaller ones, and the wars commenced. Thousands of years went by, rock after rock colliding. All this fighting brought them together and without even realizing it, they were now one. They had formed a planet.

Water was floating out in space, noticing what happened between all these rocks and couldn’t help but see just how cruel these beings were to each other with such bad intentions. She wanted to see them working together, happily and harmoniously. So she worked her magical, sneaky ways and jumped on to one of the soldier rocks and made her way onto the planet.

She arrived on Earth and things were much worse than she originally thought. She found these rocks were so hot-headed that lava spewed and took out everything in its’ path. There was havoc everywhere! 

Water was tired of these impetuous rocks trying to control space. She thought there was plenty of room for everybody to exist, so she decided to rain down. She rained for thousands of years in order to cool the rocks off and make them a little softer around the edges. 

When the storms finally passed, nobody wanted to fight anymore, so they relaxed and life flourished. Thanks to Water, plants grew and animals evolved. Life was growing everywhere and couldn’t contain itself!

Deep down, Mother Earth knew that these times of peace wouldn’t last forever though. She built herself a shield to protect all her new blossoming and fertile life, and called it Atmosphere. However, she knew that when the time came – it would not be enough. 

She had an idea of an extra hard coating, one that no other force could destroy, one that was completely abnormal. “But where could I come up with that?” she thought to herself. She needed help, so she brought about new creatures and called them humans. These humans would grow and build their society all over the planet – encasing her in a full-on man-made shell that would be sure to save her from the upcoming wars. Nothing else in the universe could have powers to break through these unknown substances.

She wanted humans to protect her with their metal and plastic, put it in each and every crevice, from the mountain tops down to the ocean floor, and everywhere in between. Wherever humans could take over, the more the better — Earth just wanted to get trashed! 

It was some pesky little rebels that decided plastic was bad for Mother Earth and they convinced all big corporations to stop any actions that caused “harm to her” or changed her chemical composition. They said they could only use renewable sources of energy and that they needed to band together to make the air, water, and soil “healthy” again. These humans, called scientists said that if they polluted the environment a certain amount, that they would heat the planet too much for them to live on, but that was part of her plan the whole time!

She thought they could just live off of fossil fuels and make everything out of plastic, that along the way they would eventually disappear and she wouldn’t have to put any work into it getting fully fitted armor. But instead, the humans ate local diets, switched to wind and solar energy, started re-using their supplies and only used what they needed. They learned how to sustain themselves without producing mass amounts of garbage. 

She was so outraged by these humans, they were supposed to keep her safe during the intergalactic battles by building a one of a kind shield. She thought they would be so consumed by the comforts of greed and convenience, that they would forget they were the most intelligent beings. She set it up perfectly, gave them the dirtiest possible fuel that would eventually run out, made them lazy, so they would only want to take the easiest route and made sure they only thought of themselves. 

But for some silly reason, the humans had decided that Mother Earth was more important and that they should come together as one to protect her since she “gave them life.” Since Mother Earth felt she had been deceived by the humans, she was upset. She stopped caring about everything and let her emotions run wild. Storms brewed and the oceans began to rise, but those little rebels…They sure were fighters!

They stuck to their guns and kept showing Mother Earth love. Mother Earth felt this love and she started to realize she did care about those pesky humans, forgetting about the Intergalactic Wars. 

The people had connected to the soil and made sure the Earth was full of nutrients. They cleared all the water of their garbage that was still lingering from the past and planted more and more edible plants. They even created a day to celebrate called “Earth Day.” 

Even though she didn’t think she would win the Intergalactic Wars that were to come, she didn’t care anymore. She knew there was so much more to this existence than power and control, the Earth’s consciousness leveled up.

Years later the wars resumed – the planets and elements from all dimensions, through all of space, came together in what was to be the largest battle of all time. 

The biggest, toughest planets came out and started throwing asteroids at other planets, but they were confused as to why the other planets weren’t fighting back.

They were mesmerized by a radiant light in the distance and felt drawn to this glow. They approached it slowly, and the light overtook them. They could see what it was now – Mother Earth!

The larger planets followed behind and were engulfed by the light too. They were all filled with warm and fuzzy feelings. They had now realized there was no reason to fight and made a truce that the entirety of space was big enough for everybody. Earth’s level up in consciousness was so significant that she enhanced all the other planets around her.

Earth explained how humans showed her what true love is and the importance of community, so they created galaxies. They could learn and grow from each other’s strengths and ensure the other planets never felt alone. 

And the Galaxies of the Universe lived happily ever after and wished everyone on Earth a Happy April Fools Day! 

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